NewsPress Hires New Sports Director...

Dodgers Win! Dodgers Win!

Wendy emailed last night and asked me to introduce the new Sports director to you! Here he is..Reynoldo Schwarzenegger
Rey is also a lawyer, private dick, and owns a wine tasting room in Los Olivos, called "Backwards". Rey is related to the governator although Arnold denies it. Rey's first assignment will be adding up all the baseball scores of all the games since the beginning of the season and presenting it at a city council meeting during public comment..this will be the first time a NewsPress employee has addressed the council face to face, in public.
The NewsPress has a drug screening policy that applies to some of her employees and Reynoldo passed with flying colors! We look forward to welcoming Rey to the local Sports community and Wendy guaranteed the Sports section will be bigger and better in the days to come.

Unity Floppes..

People smile and tell me..am I'm the lucky one?

There are a few things that keep Travis burning the midnite oil...dreams about dreamy Kenny Loggins, Mayor Blum and KEYT ..Editor Travis, in his newly minted Saturday column ("keep him outta Sunday's paper!" says Wendy) continues his mental monopoly with those who helped embarrass him during the News-Press mutiny and to remind us how trash gets recycled...
Travis pines for the days when Debby Davison was scowling at us from behind the anchoring desk or when Gabe Saglie was working there. Gabe Saglie? Geez, the guy is a poodle! Then he mentions the infamous KEYT party video again...Travis is obviously obsessed with the TV staff antics on the video..repeating all this stuff must relieve his anxiety about the drunk driving episode in which he was totally humiliated....and the place he was arrested is a known gay hangout (so I'm told)...the miserable indeed love company.
Now, I have no use for KEYT either unless I want to know who got killed in Oxnard..they need to get back to focusing on the real local news and give some televised opinions about the NewsPress tactics.. they need to return fire!

A smart thing KEYT did last year was to stop sponsoring the Unity Shoppe Telethon, which we all know has become nothing more than some rich guilty white folks giving their leftovers to poor Mexican folks and filming it once a year...now that's humiliating!
It's better to give to the Rescue Mission or Salvation Army..and you don't need a phony telethon to do it. Just leave your stuff on the doorstep and they come to pick it up! The Salvation Army staff can fix anything.
Last year's Unity Floppe telethon was hosted & sponsored by the NewsPress and it was shocking to the eye...Nipper was carousing around dressed in a gold lame suit like a casino lounge lizard, Dr. Laura showed up weighing in at about 80 pounds, some crazy dude was singing onstage and some poor Mexicans were grabbing canned goods off the shelves..that's not a telethon..that's a sitcom!!

A Candy Colored Clown...

in dreams, I walk, with you...

I'm in my bar downtown, getting ready to open, a goofy looking guy with glasses is sitting in the corner laughing at me. In walks a big fat Indian dude, looking like a Casino bouncer and he starts casing the joint, starting at the windows. He starts measuring them like I ordered a set of blinds! I go up to him and ask him what he's doing..."I was sent" he says. Then another guy walks in and sits down at the bar...he's already got a drink. "Who are you?" I ask. "Ben "Rock" Powers" he says.
"Rock"? I ask sarcastically.."what are you, mafioso? come to hit me?"

He looks down at his drink and tells me a gal named Wendy wants me to stop...then he smacks his fist into his palm! I was a little frightened..he looked like he was from Sicily, then, strangely, I became exhilerated...and then pissed off... I thought to mself..you can't come into my bar and threaten me...I moved in closer to him, high on adrenaline and Viagra, and then, the whole scene moved into my old house with my old girlfriend who was having sex with a guy while I watched from another room..they didn't even know I was there! then I woke up....

So the question is..what good is a 4 hour boner in a two minute dream...